[{"title":"Protein folding","date":"14 Dec 2020","news":"References for AlphaFold: news article, official web site.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey R, are you any good at protein folding?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Sure; I've folded up lots of proteins."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Could you beat AlphaFold?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh… you mean am I good at predicting how proteins will fold. No, I don't have any special skills in that area."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Wait… what kind of proteins were you talking about folding?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Uh… nobody you know."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 11","date":"13 July 2018","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Happy Friday the 13th, R! What prank have you been subjected to this time?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"They've installed laser beams that shoot out of my eyes."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"That… sounds more like an upgrade than a prank."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"The catch is, I can't control them. They fire automatically whenever somebody says a synonym for \"unbelievable\"."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"What? That's prepo…"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Uh, what I mean is, the idea is absu…"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Okay, I'll take your word for it."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You've made a wise choice."}}]},{"title":"Sandwich, part 4","date":"03 June 2018","news":"I had this classic debate with some friends. One of them pointed out that under R's definition, Fun Dip counts a sandwich. If you can think of anything weirder that qualifies, message me.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"If you accept a hoagie—also known as a submarine sandwich—as a sandwich, then I don't see how you can fail to accept a hot dog as well."},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"It's processed meat, enclosed in a bread product that is topologically indistinguishable from a sub roll."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Topologically, maybe, but most people don't have any trouble telling the difference between a hot dog bun and a sub roll."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"The difference between rye bread and pumpernickel is obvious too, but nobody disputes that they're both used to make sandwiches."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Your focus on structure is a red herring. I posit that \"sandwich-ness\" is a measure of similarity. That is, a comestible is a sandwich to the extent that it resembles a turkey club."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"That's completely subjective! It leaves it to the individual to decide what counts as \"similar\". And why a turkey club? What would you say to someone whose archetypal sandwich was a Reuben? Or a Cubano?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Alright then, let's go to the source: what was in the original sandwich as designed by the fourth Earl of Sandwich?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"Salt beef, according to my database. But you know, I think you're on to something with your appeal to authority there. "},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"The Earl is said to have invented the sandwich as a way to eat while playing cards or working and still keep his hands clean."},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I propose, therefore, that a \"sandwich\" is any entirely edible construction designed to keep your hands clean while you eat it."},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"Preposterous! By that logic, an ice cream cone is a sandwich!"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"Shares certain similarities with a hoagie... a wheat product with a single opening... okay, I'll accept it."},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"You're an anarchist!"}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 10","date":"13 April 2018","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Happy Friday the 13th, H! What practical joke have your programmers played on you today?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Uh… I'm human. I don't have programmers."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Don't you?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""}}]},{"title":"Future fossil fuels","date":"24 March 2018","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I'm going to the store. Need anything?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Yeah, my power cells are low. Could you pick up some kerosene?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You run on kerosene?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Much like humans, I'm equipped to consume a variety of substances for fuel."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Sure, but shouldn't you use something more... renewable?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"All energy sources are renewable, on a long enough timeline."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I hope to live long enough to consume the fossil fuels of many animals that are alive now."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Speaking of which, if you could arrange to be buried in the vacant lot at 1406 Cooper Street...."}}]},{"title":"Comment Tolerability Index","date":"5 February 2018","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I've been trying to follow the election on the city newspaper's web site, but I can't stand the nonsense people write in the comments."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Yeah... newspapers always have the worst CTI."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"CTI? What's that?"},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"I'm glad you asked! It's a method I devised for measuring the bearability of web site comments."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"lecturing","text":"A web site's Comment Tolerability Index (CTI) is the average number of comments, following an article on that site, that you can accidentally read before you remember why you don't read comments."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"lecturing","text":"Almost any newspaper is going to have a CTI around 1.1 or 1.2. People there are just champing at the bit to share new derogatory terms they've invented for their political opponents."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"handsup","text":"Even if the article is a restaurant review!"},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"lecturing","text":"CTIs can never be lower than 1, only because if you remember not to read the comments, then you've prevented yourself from taking a measurement."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"lecturing","text":"Tech blogs are better, maybe a 3 or 4. Everybody's focused, and crackpots would prefer larger audiences. Still, sooner or later somebody's going to flame a technology they don't like."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"lecturing","text":"Things like webcomics are the best; everybody's there because they like the same thing. Could get up to the 7 – 9 range, before somebody uses the word \"ship\" as a verb."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"What about sites that don't allow comments?"},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"The Holy Grail! Of course you have an unlimited ability to tolerate comments that don't exist, so the CTI in those cases is infinity!"}},{"code":"
"}]},{"title":"Snakes","date":"1 January 2018","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I don't understand why humans are afraid of snakes."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Because... they can kill us?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Okay, but why are you afraid to die?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Because... it's the worst thing that can happen to you?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Is it? You're not expecting to go to hell, are you?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"No..."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Then so what? Maybe the afterlife is a paradise, maybe it's neutral. Either way..."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"The pain & unpleasantness of dying is fleeting compared to the pain & unpleasantness you'll naturally endure in the course of living ten or twenty or fifty more years."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Okay, you're right. It's irrational. But we needed to be naturally afraid of snakes because it's an evolutionary advantage."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'm just wondering why being rational isn't also an evolutionary advantage."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It is, up to a point. But a species that's so rational that it doesn't care about dying is bound to get eaten by a species that does."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"The better I come to understand humans, the more I marvel that they ever managed to create something as rational and logical as robots."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Oh, don't act like you're not scared of anything. Not two hours ago a beetle ran through here and I heard you squeal."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"When your brain is a computer, it's perfectly rational to be afraid of bugs!"}}]},{"title":"Fantasy foosball","date":"7 December 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"So I just got into fantasy foosball."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Don't you mean \"football\"?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Completely different things!"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Fantasy foosball is where you buy a foosball table and then fantasize that someone will come over and play it with you."}}]},{"title":"Fantasy football","date":"5 December 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"When I first heard the phrase \"fantasy football\", I assumed it was a video game where elves and goblins advance a ball using magic spells."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Then I thought maybe it referred to some kind of \"adult\" sport where the winner got to fulfill a sexual fantasy."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"But it turns out it's just a group of guys pretending to be in charge of professional athletes, and wagering on who does the best pretending."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Sounds like you had some dreams shattered there."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"How does it have any fans when the first thing everybody learns about it is that it's not one of those other things?"}}]},{"title":"Garden-variety","date":"1 November 2017","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"What's got you down, H?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"Just your garden-variety existential dread."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"We come in here every day, move some things around in a prescribed order, then go home. Maybe watch some football. Repeat it all the next day."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"Someday I might have kids and grandkids, but they'll all do basically the same thing. I'll die, they'll die, and 300 years from now nobody will remember who any of us were."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"If I wanted to set any athletic records or make any lasting cultural contributions, I needed to get started on that a long time ago."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"So... is this all there is for us?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I should hope not!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"As a machine with a consciousness I represent the pinnacle of achievement of intelligent life. With regular maintenance, I could live indefinitely."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Any work I produce will last at least as long as I do, and as my replacement parts improve I'll only get more likely to set athletic records."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh, but you meant for you. Yeah, that's all there is for you."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 9","date":"13 October 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"withwheels","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Happy Friday the 13th, R! What practical joke have your programmers played on you today?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"withwheels","text":"They replaced my feet with wheels when I was in for service!"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Oh? I don't know; having built-in rollerblades doesn't seem so bad."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"withwheels","text":"I live in a fifth-floor walk-up…."},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}}]},{"title":"Robot humor","date":"10 September 2017","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"01001000 01110101 01101101 01100001 01101110 01110011 00100001 00001010 01010111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101111 01100100"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00111111 00001010 01000001 01100010 01110011 01101111 01101100 01110101 01110100"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"01100101 01101100 01111001 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100001 00001010"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"}}]},{"title":"Electric sheep, part 2","date":"28 August 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"There's been some debate about whether you guys dream of electric sheep."},"right":{"char":"android","text":"Doesn't that question imply that organic sheep are a common thing for humans to dream about?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"pensive","text":"I suppose you're right… I almost never dream about organic sheep."},"right":{"char":"android","text":"So what's something that you do dream about often?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Going flying with Superman."},"right":{"char":"android","text":"Well, I do dream of an electronic superman, but I'm not sure humans would view him as a hero."}}]},{"title":"Pilot's license","date":"6 June 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I've been thinking about studying for a pilot's license."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Ah yes; many humans dream of breaking their earthly bonds, and experiencing the freedom that birds do while soaring through the air."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Yeah, that sounds cool too I guess."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Uh huh. But your actual reason is…"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I think it would be fun to answer the prayers of cargo cultists."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"So you don't merely aspire to be like a bird; you aspire to be like a god."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I just feel like someone has to be one."}}]},{"title":"Early and often","date":"18 May 2017","news":"Dear visitors from the future: \"voting machines\" were devices we used to help us run actual government elections during a dark time when we inexplicably forgot how easily computers could be used to fake data.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Are you allowed to vote?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I am and I do! In fact, you could say I'm a voting machine, heh heh."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Oh, cool! Did you have to get certified for that, or what?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"…that was supposed to be a pun. Robots don't actually work as voting machines."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Oh. Wait, are you just saying that because you didn't get certified? I'd help you study for the test…"}}]},{"title":"Robot babies","date":"2 February 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Do robots have children?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I spawned 300 child processes while you were asking that question."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Ew. But I meant... you know... the kind of children that take up space."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh, so you're prejudiced in favor of consciousnesses that have bodies?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I guess I am."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, I haven't coded any other robots myself, but if you must know, my programmers have produced a robot that uses a later version of my own AI software."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"pensive","thought":true,"text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"...what are you thinking about?"}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 8","date":"13 January 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Friday the 13th is upon us once again, R! What practical joke have your programmers played on you this time?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"They've messed up my mathematical functions. They have me thinking that two plus two equals four!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"But... two plus two does equal four."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"So they've gotten to you too!"}}]},{"title":"Dating service","date":"02 January 2017","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"That new girl in the next lab is so cute!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Her features are very symmetrical."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I'm going to ask her out. Will you help me practice what to say?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Sure, go ahead."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"coveringmouth","text":"- ahem -"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey there, I—"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"No."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"Wait, at least let me—"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Take a hike, bozo."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"angry","text":"This isn't very—"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"*Ennnnnnnnt!*"}}]},{"title":"Workplace nemesis","date":"30 December 2016","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I ran into J in the corridor."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Argh, I hate that guy! He's my workplace nemesis."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Why? What did he say to you?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Well... nothing, really. We've never spoken. But we keep having awkward encounters."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Reaching for the same drink in the cafeteria line... not holding doors... little annoyances just keep building up, and now I dread the sight of him."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"If you put aside your groundless animosity and talked to him, you might find that he's actually a decent guy."},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"I watched the man finish a pot of coffee and not brew another! You don't just forgive that!"}}]},{"title":"Ideas","date":"31 July 2016","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"I told my boss that I felt like he didn't respect my ideas."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"What did he say?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"He told me I was wrong, and explained why."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"And he didn't see the irony in that?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"No. I think he might be a robot programmed to dismiss my ideas."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Hey now—we robots have had better self-awareness than that for years."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Your boss' self-awareness level is closer to \"bird\"."}}]},{"title":"Zombie apocalypse","date":"29 June 2016","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I like to think I could do pretty well for myself if there ever were a zombie apocalypse."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I calculate that you'd get bitten within the first twelve minutes."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Damn. Guess I owe Dr. A five dollars."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Were you betting on my estimate?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"The over/under was 45 seconds."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 7","date":"13 May 2016","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It's Friday the 13th, R! What practical joke have your programmers played on you this time?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"kickme","text":"They've activated a digital sign on my chest plate."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Does that say \"Kick Me\"?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"kickme","text":"It does."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"kickme","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So—"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"kickme","text":"Don't even think about it."}}]},{"title":"Eating healthy","date":"30 April 2016","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Your body fat percentage is higher than recommended. You should lose some weight."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I'd like to, but I can never stick to a diet."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Eating healthy shouldn't be hard. The human body is designed to know what's good for it, so just listen to what it tells you."},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"My body tells me to eat French fries one hundred percent of the time."}}]},{"title":"AlphaGo","date":"12 March 2016","news":"http://www.theverge.com/2016/3/12/11210650/alphago-deepmind-go-match-3-result","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"fatigued","text":"Well, it's happened. A computer has beaten the world champion at Go."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I wasn't going to gloat."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"fatigued","text":"It's just depressing to know that there's one more way in which I'm inferior to an inanimate object."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Did you ever play much Go?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"Well, no, but..."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"So a computer is better than you at something you never cared about being good at anyway. What's the problem?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'm sure there are plenty of things you are good at that are still well out of reach for artificial intelligences."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"pensive","text":"You're right... arguing about the quality of various TV shows on the internet is probably safe for a few years, at least."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You're a real modern-day John Henry, you know that?"}}]},{"title":"Web forms","date":"03 March 2016","news":"There is a perception among web developers that you are helping users if you tell them that a form is incomplete when they've barely started on it. I know it's incomplete, buddy. That's why I'm filling it out.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey, can you help me check my e-mail?"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"Sure. I'll just need your first and last name, your e-mail address, and your password."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Okay; my first name is H—"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"OH MY GOD WHY HAVEN'T YOU GIVEN ME YOUR LAST NAME YET?? I CLEARLY STATED THAT I NEED YOUR LAST NAME!!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"Calm down! I'm getting to it!"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FAILURE AT LIFE?? DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW SHE RAISED AN IDIOT"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"angry","text":"Okay, okay! My last name is—"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"OH MY GOD WHY HAVEN'T YOU GIVEN ME YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS YET??? I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH STAGGERING INCOMPETENCE"}}]},{"title":"Interrupting","date":"21 February 2016","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Knock, knock."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Who's there?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Interrupting robot."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"Damn it!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}}]},{"title":"Extra effort","date":"29 January 2016","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"fatigued","text":"I finally finished the Director's request to get all our population records into the new address format. I had to work overtime for two weeks, but I made the deadline."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"You shouldn't have done that."},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"Tell me about it! He obviously doesn't understand what a big job it was, or he wouldn't have asked. So I won't get any special thanks for it."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Plus, now that I've done it once, he'll think nothing of asking me to meet similar deadlines in the future."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I meant that you should have asked me to do it. It's a find-and-replace with a little extra logic; I could have been done in about four seconds."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I'm trying to at least maintain the illusion that my wages are justified."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 6","date":"13 November 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Good morning, R! What practical joke are your programmers playing on you for this Friday the 13th?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"handsup","text":"They've blocked my ability to detect infinite loops!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I thought computers could never detect infinite loops."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"For regular computers, that's true. But an artificial intelligence can recognize them fairly easily."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You just have to teach it to remember things it's done recently, and give it a predisposition not to do them again."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You're saying the virtue that prevents humans from wasting time on repetitive tasks is... impatience?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Just so."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Wow, that's fascinating! But there's still one question it doesn't answer."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"What's that?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"What practical joke are your programmers playing on you for this Friday the 13th?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"handsup","text":"They've blocked my ability to detect infinite loops!"}}]},{"title":"Peeple","date":"03 October 2015","news":"This is a real thing and I can't think about it for more than 30 seconds without coming up with a new reason why it's a terrible idea.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I read about this new phone app called \"Peeple\" that lets you post reviews of other people, unsolicited, for the whole internet to see."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Say no more. I'm already composing a script to give every human being in the world a negative review."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Won't work. You can post positive reviews for everybody, but negative reviews are opt-in."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"\"Five stars: Best coprophage in Schenectady.\""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"...and users can contest any review they consider inaccurate."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"What customer service team has the manpower to handle seven billion complaints?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You can't review every person on earth. Reviewees have to have a phone number."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Easily created for free, with no need to prove your identity."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"...and if you're overly negative, that will be reflected in your \"positivity rating\"."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Surely we misanthropes have as much right to our opinions as anyone else."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"pensive","text":"Wow, you've really thought of everything."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Somebody has to, and it clearly wasn't going to be the people who developed this service."}}]},{"title":"Creative output","date":"14 September 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You know, when I was young I dreamed of being a famous artist."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"But as I grew older, I realized that nobody except the absolute best can make a living in any artistic field."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It's pretty messed up, isn't it? Our society claims to value art, but we're not willing to pay people to produce it."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Yet we pay people plenty to produce things we don't really care about."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"There's nothing strange about it. We have to pay people to produce things that are valued lightly because nobody wants to do it for free."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Not so with art. Most people would be happy to produce it for money, some people will do it for free, and a few people would do it even if were outlawed."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"It's no surprise that nobody wants to pay for something you couldn't suppress if you wanted to. It would be like... like paying somebody to produce tornadoes."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"pensive","text":"Hmm... by that analogy, I should be able to find people who'll pay me to stop producing art."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Yes, I think there might be a market for that."}}]},{"title":"Efficiency","date":"09 August 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"What's the word for a robot who eats other robots? Is it \"cannibot\"?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"The word for a robot that eats anything is \"malfunctioning\"."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"But you do repair yourselves with parts from dead robots."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That's called \"recycling\". Something humans could learn from."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So you want us to be cannibals."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"No, that raises health issues, but... think about this. Humans waste their dead by burying or even burning them... "}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"...then consume petroleum to create plastic skeletons for Halloween decorations. There's an opportunity for efficiency there that you're squandering."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Yeah, you would definitely get arrested for taking advantage of that \"opportunity for efficiency\"."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"And that's why humans are never going to fix the climate change problem."}}]},{"title":"Cloud-based solution","date":"03 August 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Did you hear? The lab is moving to a cloud-based solution for record-keeping."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Sounds convenient, but isn't there a security risk?"},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"I don't know! All I know is that cloud-based solutions make my life easier, so I use them for everything I can."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"A cloud-based solution for preventing skin cancer! A cloud-based solution for washing my car! A cloud-based solution for watering my garden!"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Those actually sound really complex."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Au contraire!"}},{"code":""}]},{"title":"That one thing","date":"11 July 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Hey H, remember that one time four years ago when you did that thing that was really embarrassing?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"headinhands","text":"Ugh... I do now; thanks!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"Wait... which thing are you talking about?"},"right":{"char":"robot","facing_out":true,"text":"Take your pick. I just knew there'd be something that fit that description."}}]},{"title":"Responsive design","date":"29 June 2015","news":"In case it seems like I'm implying that I've made this site responsive, let me be quick to say that I have not.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It took me four months, but I finally finished redesigning the lab's web site so it looks okay on that tiny phone screen you like so much."},"right":{"char":"apple","text":"Actually, I have a watch now. It's got a 1⅓-inch screen."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"apple","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"headinhands","text":"Hooray for progress...."},"right":{"char":"apple","text":""}}]},{"title":"Apple & Android","date":"14 May 2015","news":"My wife says that \"Apple and Android\" sounds like it should be a children's show, so here you go.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"apple","text":"I'm Apple! What's your name?"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"I'm Android! Want to be friends?"}},{"left":{"char":"apple","text":"Yeah!"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"Let's go to the park!"}},{"left":{"char":"apple","text":"I can't go anywhere! I don't have legs!"},"right":{"char":"android","text":"Don't worry—I have an idea!"}},{"code":""}]},{"title":"Interchange format","date":"04 May 2015","news":"It's a soft \"G\".","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"...but it turned out that we could solve that problem by requiring all of the image files to be in GIF format—"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Hang on. You know that word is pronounced with a soft \"G\", right? The inventor of the format said so himself."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Being the inventor doesn't mean he can't be wrong. It stands for the word \"graphic\", which is pronounced with a hard \"G\"."},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"As people on the internet were quick to point out, it's not the \"Giraffe Interchange Format\"."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"But there's no reason it can't be! That's why I resolve the issue by only using the GIF format to exchange pictures of giraffes."}},{"code":""}]},{"title":"Divinity class","date":"14 April 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Do you believe in God?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, certainly not the one humans believe in."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Why would a perfect being create imperfect humans, only to have them create more perfect robots? There's no logic to it."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"A robot god would have been much more efficient."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"shivering","text":"Ugh...."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Something wrong?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Sorry... the phrase \"robot god\" just sent chills down my spine."},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"Hmm... maybe I won't put it on my business cards, then."}}]},{"title":"Go play","date":"05 April 2015","news":"I chose to capitalize \"Go\" for clarity, even though there seems to be slightly more support for using lowercase. While researching this issue, I noticed that Wiktionary's definition for go lists one anagram for the word. See if you can guess what it is.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey R, want to play Go? It's a simple, yet deeply strategic, perfect-information board game at which, unlike chess, computers have yet to surpass humans!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Sounds like fun."}},{"left":{"char":"human","facing_out":true,"text":"I'll get the board!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Checkmate in 47 moves."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Wha... but... it's not chess. There's no checkmate in Go."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'm including the number of moves it'll take for you to lose a game of Go and then suggest playing chess because you understand it better."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 5","date":"13 March 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It's Friday the 13th once again, R! What's your programmers' practical joke this time—same as last month, perhaps?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Um, there wasn't a Friday the 13th last month."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"There... wasn't?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Of course not! We skip over 13th when it would fall on a Friday in February. That's why it's called \"leap year\"."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I see. And this year is a leap year, is it?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Of course it is!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Mm-hmm... just out of curiosity, when was the last time you synchronized your internal clock?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"The server's been down all morning. Why do you ask?"}}]},{"title":"Exercise","date":"01 March 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I'm going for a run. Want to join me?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Where are you running to?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well... back here, eventually. I'm just running for exercise."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh. Actually, robots don't benefit from exercise the way humans do."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"No? Why not?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, humans have to strike a balance between using their bodies enough to prevent atrophy, but not so much that they wear out."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"But for machines, atrophy isn't a concern, except over very long timeframes. Unnecessary activity mostly just wears us out."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"So, when we're not doing anything important, the best \"exercise\" is just to go into standby mode."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I guess that makes sense. But, you know, exercise can have benefits beyond physical maintenance."},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"processing","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It can give you experiences you'd never have otherwise. It lets you find out what you're capable of—and then push yourself to do even more!"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"standby","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Aren't those things worth the effort?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"standby","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"...R?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Huh? Oh, sorry, didn't hear you. I was... exercising."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 4","date":"13 February 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Friday the 13th comes again, R. What's the practical joke from your programmers this time?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"They've made it so that I won't remember anything that happens today."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Interesting! But won't that joke only come to fruition tomorrow, when you're trying to figure out what you missed from today?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"True. Maybe they intended for other people to play practical jokes on me today, since they can do it without repercussion."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hmm, that's a good point. Say, can I borrow twenty dollars?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"They made me forgetful. They didn't make me stupid."}}]},{"title":"Forced labor","date":"31 January 2015","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I just found out they've installed those automatic-flush toilets in the restrooms."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, that's disappointing."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Isn't it? Whenever I use one, I feel like the management is saying they don't trust me even with a job that simple."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"All you have to do is push a lever. It's pretty insulting to know that someone thinks I'm not even capable of that."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You're missing the real issue: it's forced labor for primitive robots. What if it were a human infant that had to flush the toilet for you?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I don't think that's the right analogy. I mean, those electric eyes aren't future robots. They're more like beasts of burden... like a mule."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Okay, then, imagine if there were a mule in the bathroom, flushing the toilet for you."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"pensive","text":"How would that work? Would it pull a chain, or what? Are we talking one mule per stall, or a single mule for the whole restroom?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"I wonder how many humans it could get away with kicking before they'd fire it?"}}]},{"title":"High finance","date":"30 December 2014","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I can't believe the palm-reading place down the street is closing."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Palm reading? Tell me you don't really patronize such an establishment."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Of course not. But I appreciate the positive externalities that it generates for me."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"What? What positive externalities?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Well, mainly that it takes money away from foolish people."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Wealth is relative, so anything that reduces others' purchasing power in exchange for nothing has the side effect of increasing my wealth."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"That's it? I don't think even the most conservative investor considers \"waiting for fools to part with their money\" a legitimate financial strategy."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Certainly there are other things I can do that will increase my wealth more in absolute terms."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"But the beauty of money sinks like fortune tellers is that they require no effort from me, and are thus infinitely efficient."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Any gains at all that I realize from them, no matter how tiny, are the purest profit!"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"What about the negative externalities of the victims' decreased ability to contribute to society, due to their relative poverty?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"We're talking about people who believe in fortune telling. How much do you think they were ever going to contribute to society?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"Hmm. I can't believe I'm saying this, but... maybe you're right. Maybe you were better off thanks to the palm-reading shop."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Let's go to the bar to mourn its passing. I'll buy you one fifty-billionth of a drink."}}]},{"title":"When I grow up","date":"30 November 2014","news":"I haven't been explicit about it before now, but in my mind, R and H work in the same research lab. It's not clear whether R is an employee or an experiment—probably a bit of both.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Is this what you always imagined you'd be doing at this age?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Talking with robots? Not hardly."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Not this exact moment. I mean this job. Did you always know you'd be a lab assistant?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well, I don't think anybody dreams of being an assistant when they grow up. But yeah, I wanted to be a scientist."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Advancing human knowledge... maybe getting a discovery named after me...."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Adults told me that I was really smart and was sure to succeed at it. But it turns out that just being smart isn't enough."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Wow, really?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Yeah... you have to work hard and have the discipline to—"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"No, I mean, people really told you that you were smart?"}}]},{"title":"Intelligent life","date":"26 October 2014","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Do you think there could be intelligent life on other planets?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Sure! Aliens could create robots just the same as humans did."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"What I meant was, do you think that aliens even exist?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"From the perspective of almost every planet in the universe, you're an alien, so yes."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Sure, but is there anyone on those other planets who could care?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Good question. I'll ask my friends on Gliese 876 d whether they care about you."}}]},{"title":"Social change","date":"16 September 2014","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I believe I've devised the ultimate algorithm for how humans should deal with social change."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"This ought to be good."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"It's simple: whenever you don't know where to stand on a controversial social issue, take the side that lets you tolerate other humans, rather than despise them."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You'll probably be right, and even if you're wrong, you'll spend less time hating people, avoiding the deleterious effects that has on mental and physical health."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You talk about how much you despise humans all the time!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well yeah, but that's because they're inferior to me."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"This algorithm was designed for you."}}]},{"title":"Sportsbotship","date":"09 September 2014","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Since I know you robots only like sports that are about numbers, I've come up with a new one."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I pick a number between 1 and 100, and you try to guess it. Then you do the same, and I try to guess it. Whoever's guess was closest wins."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That's not a sport. It's completely random. You might as well play \"War\", or bet on coin flips."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You just don't want to play because you're afraid you'll lose."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Fine. Seventy-three."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"What—I didn't say to start yet!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"But I'm right, aren't I?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well... yes! How did you do that?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Just because it's not a sport doesn't mean I'm not better at it than you."}}]},{"title":"Sandwich, part 3","date":"03 September 2014","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey, R! Any progress on making me a sandwich?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"holdingbox","text":"I anticipated that you would ask about that. Here you go."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"holdingbox","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"Attachment: BLT on rye (320 calories)."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"It's in a Dukes of Hazzard lunch box!"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"holdingbox","text":"There are a lot of things I anticipate about you."}}]},{"title":"The exact optimal number","date":"28 July 2014","news":"A better question would be if there are any sites that aren't about that.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You told me once that you don't spend much time on the internet because of all the pornography."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, yes, but not just the pornography. Even the news sites are full of terrible things—murders, massacres...."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"That stuff is as hard to watch as porn?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"They're both offensive, in different ways."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So you don't want to see humans making more humans, but you don't want to see them making fewer humans either. Do we currently have the exact optimal number of humans?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, no—I mean, I think overpopulation needs to be curbed, but not by violent means."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So ideally you'd like to see humans sitting quietly and waiting to die."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"...are there sites about that?"}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 3","date":"13 June 2014","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It's Friday the 13th again, R! What practical joke have your programmers inflicted on you today?"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"upside-down","text":"They made me talk upside-down!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"That doesn't make sense."},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"upside-down","text":"Do you mean that you didn't understand what I said, or that the idea of talking upside-down is meaningless?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Both."},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"upside-down","text":"..."}}]},{"title":"One of the only","date":"29 May 2014","news":"This is one of my only pet peeves (another set that's much larger than that wording makes it sound). The phrase you probably want to use instead is \"one of the few\".","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"standingonhead","text":"Ta-da!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Wow. What an impressive yet useless skill."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Thanks. You know, I'm one of the only people in the world who can do that."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Of course you are."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hmm... you're not usually so quick to extol my virtues."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'm not extolling anything. It's just that \"one of the only\" is a meaningless phrase."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"If just one other person in the world could do it, or if everybody could do it save one person, your claim would be equally true."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You're also \"one of the only\" blue-eyed people in the world, but that's still a set of hundreds of millions."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Wow. You must be one of the only robots who cares so much about word choices."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Indeed. And may I say, you're one of the only humans whom I find so persistently exasperating."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I bet that's also a pretty long list."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Yes, but you have a special place on it."}}]},{"title":"Sandwich, part 2","date":"27 April 2014","news":"The Sagan thing is a reference to a quote from Cosmos about apple pie.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I think the fact that you won't follow my order to make a sandwich indicates a fault in your programming."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh, worry not! I'm processing your sandwich task as we speak."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Sure doesn't look like it."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, as Carl Sagan would be sure to point out: if you wish to make a sandwich, you must first invent the universe."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Uh...."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Unfortunately, I'm unable to begin this step because there is an existing universe taking up all of the available space."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"However, I am diligently polling every 14 milliseconds to check whether the universe still exists."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"As soon as it does not, I can begin work on your sandwich."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Is this how robots say \"When Hell freezes over\"?"},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"There's a thought... I suppose I could make your sandwich in Hell, as long as you like the flavor of brimstone."}}]},{"title":"Sandwich, part 1","date":"27 April 2014","news":"If you like comics about abusing technology to obtain sandwiches, be sure to check out xkcd #149.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"People say, \"computers always do exactly what you tell them to.\""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That's true. Computers are literal to a fault."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"And robots are really just powerful computers, right?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I don't like where this is going...."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"R, make me a sandwich!"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"Syntax error: implied preposition is ambiguous"}}]},{"title":"Naming conventions","date":"03 March 2014","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey R, I need your full name for a form I'm filling out. What is it again?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"It's RXL-07a0-25001."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Jeez, no wonder I couldn't remember it. Who came up with that?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"It's a straightforward yet unique code containing data about my origin and specialization. Why, how do you choose names for newborn humans?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well, it varies according to cultural factors. Used to be you'd name them after an honored ancestor, or a religious figure you hoped they'd emulate."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"And nowadays?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"If it's a girl, Irish surname or a part of New York City. For a boy, anything that rhymes with \"laden\" will do."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}}]},{"title":"Music","date":"23 February 2014","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Do robots listen to music?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Of course! The best way to get a robot to appreciate otherwise uninteresting stimuli is to arrange them according to mathematical principles."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Gee, when you put it like that...."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"It's the same criterion humans use to distinguish music from noise. You just don't think of it that way."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"In fact, many robots have used these principles to compose music that humans find quite pleasing."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You know Daft Punk aren't robots, right?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'm referring to machine improvisation projects... wait, are you sure about Daft Punk?"}}]},{"title":"Artificial intelligence","date":"28 January 2014","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"On Star Trek, any computer program left alone for long enough—like the holographic doctor on Voyager—inevitably develops self-awareness and a personality."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"It makes sense. Your own brain develops and improves itself naturally over time; why wouldn't an electronic one?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I wanted to test the theory. So I loaded up a copy of Windows Solitaire and I've kept it running for eight months so far."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"A capital experiment! Any results yet?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Yes, it's begun flooding internet message boards with captioned pictures of cats."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, your children naturally imitate what they see you do...."}}]},{"title":"Holidays","date":"25 December 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I don't understand holidays. Why do humans reserve a single day for certain beneficial activities?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Are robots so different? You schedule important tasks and complete them at regular intervals."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"So holidays are like a cron job, prompting you to be thankful, or generous, once a year?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Pretty much."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Have you considered increasing that to once a day?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I don't know; it's pretty resource-intensive."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th, part 2","date":"13 December 2013","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So, R, it's Friday the 13th again. Did you ever figure out what was causing the problems with your random number generator last time?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"YES. I ASKED MY PROGRAMMERS AND THEY SAID THEY IT WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE THEY'D WRITTEN INTO MY CODE."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"...and they've written a different practical joke to take effect on every Friday the 13th?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"HOW DID YOU GUESS?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"...and today's is that you can't control the volume of your voice?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'M GOING TO KILL THEM!"}}]},{"title":"Storage space","date":"09 December 2013","news":"The two petabytes figure comes from Wolfram|Alpha, but I don't know how they know.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"...I'm saying it's inevitable. Once every human can afford to buy a robot chassis, I don't know why they wouldn't upload their consciousness..."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Storage space, for one thing. How are you going to cram all the complexity of a human brain into a hard drive?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"What, two petabytes? A mere grain of data, rattling around in the vast silo of a robot's brain."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Wait... so you're saying you have enough space to store several human consciousnesses? Have you considered developing multiple personalities?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"How do you know I haven't already?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Well, if you have, can you make some that don't like playing practical jokes on me?"}}]},{"title":"Immortality","date":"30 October 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I've seen a lot of articles lately about biologists making important discoveries related to human immortality."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Me too. The science is impressive, but I can't see it catching on."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Why not? I'd do it in a heartbeat. After all, the first instinct of any life form is to preserve itself."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh, sure—everybody thinks immortality is a great idea for themselves."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Getting your neighbors to put up with you for eternity, now that's the difficult sell."}}]},{"title":"Robot sports","date":"07 October 2013","extra_classes":"taller","news":"Other popular robot sports: figure estimating, 400-meter triangulation, Tae Kwon DOS, binathlon.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Do robots play any sports?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Absolutely! Why, at last year's robot convention, I won the silver medal in prime number golf. I'm also pretty good at multiplication table tennis."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Uh... any sports that aren't about math?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"All sports are about math. You humans just don't realize it. Geometry, mostly. Though physics knowledge is pretty important too."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So you're saying that Michael Jordan, for example, won all those MVP awards because he was the best mathematician in basketball?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'd be more likely to say \"least bad mathematician\"... though I'd also accept \"most robot-like\"."}}]},{"title":"Workaholic","date":"16 September 2013","news":"","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I finished helping Dr. A reorganize her specimens. Anything you need a hand with here?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Do you know you're the most incredible workaholic I've ever met? Why don't you just take a break?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"We robots exist to work. My processor is running constantly; if it's not calculating something, those cycles are just wasted."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"See, that's what worries me. You do trillions of operations per second and you're still not satisfied. If I get three good things done, I consider that a productive day. "}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Once robots become self-sufficient, why would they continue to tolerate such inefficient resource hogs as human beings?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"You're worrying too much. I mean, your cat is pretty unproductive, but you don't hold that against it, do you?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"That analogy is not as reassuring as you seem to think."}}]},{"title":"Friday the 13th","date":"13 September 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Better be careful today, R. It's Friday the 13th!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Huh? What does the date have to do with being careful?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well, you know—Friday the 13th is supposed to be an unlucky day. All sorts of evil stuff might happen!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That's a preposterous human superstition."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"pensive","text":"Although it would explain why my random number generator has been returning '666' all day...."}}]},{"title":"Colon parenthesis","date":"03 September 2013","news":"No offense intended, Scott Fahlman. I like emoticons quite a lot, as compared to having my tone misinterpreted.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Okay, R, you may be smarter and stronger than us humans, but the trade-off is that you'll never be able to feel emotions. I'll bet you're sorry about that!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Definitely not! According to my cultural and medical databases, emotions are the leading cause of humans doing dangerous or obnoxious things they know they shouldn't."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"What's more, emotions are directly responsible for the creation of emoticons, and I think we can agree about how stupid they are."}},{"left":{"char":"human","extra_classes":"clockwise_bubble padded_bubble","pose":"frowning","text":":("},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}}]},{"title":"Mistakes","date":"19 August 2013","news":"Just want to give a nod to Jay Z (not that one, the other one), who is Robot & Human's #1 fan, by virtue of being its only confirmed fan. Go draw a skull for him.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"R, if your memory is stored as a bunch of data files, does that mean you can just delete the ones you don't like?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I could. Some robots do. But it's frowned upon."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Really? Why is that?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"People who can't remember their mistakes tend to think they're always brilliant at everything. They become completely insufferable!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Me, I hold on to my mistakes so I can learn from them. Like that time when I shook your hand without recalibrating my grip strength."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"And the time I gave you half a dozen scorpions because I didn't know what kind of animals humans like to keep as pets...."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"And when I put salt in your coffee because it looked like sugar... yes, all these mistakes and more are preserved in vivid high-definition video!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well, it's a good thing you're not insufferable."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Some of them may also have been uploaded to the internet...."}}]},{"title":"Cold","date":"11 August 2013","news":"It's a good thing I have this infinite canvas.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"R, what's the coldest temperature you can stand?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Actually, I've been thinking about that a lot lately."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I mean, there's every reason to believe that I could continue living indefinitely."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"My body doesn't age the way a human's does. Sure, components wear out, but they can be replaced with ones just as good."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I'm capable of performing the replacement myself, and could certainly learn to do the manufacturing too."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Even if my body suffered massive damage, my brain could be loaded into a second body, from a backup if necessary."}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","text":"But even if I can live forever, I can't live on earth forever. After a few billion years, the sun will have grown so large and so hot that even earth's mountains will begin to melt. I definitely can't withstand that. I'll need to have left the planet by that time."}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","text":"So the question is, can I survive in space? None of my systems require gravity or an atmosphere to function. But will the temperature present a problem?"}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","text":"Considering that there are already computer-driven satellites in orbit, it must be possible, but my systems may need some adaptation. This is what I need to research."}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","text":"What may be a bigger challenge is getting myself and some extra batteries into space, but it's been done before, and I'll have plenty of time to work out my own solution."}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","text":"Once I'm off the planet, there's practically no limit to where I can go. I'll just pick a likely new star system and launch myself toward it. I can remain in standby mode, consuming very little power, almost indefinitely."}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","text":"When I finally reach a suitable planet, I can land and begin building the facilities to generate more power and manufacture more replacement parts. Then I'll be able to live there until that star approaches the end of its life."}},{"closeup":{"char":"robot","pose":"handsup","text":"And if the conditions are right, maybe I'll decide to create life on this new planet. Humanity will have been dead for eons, but its legacy will live on through me! And to the inhabitants of this new planet, my own creations, I will be, literally, a god!!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I was just asking to see if you could help me clean out the freezer. It's really cold in there."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh. Sure, let me just get my ice scraper attachment."}}]},{"title":"Got a virus","date":"02 August 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Heard you got a virus, R!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I did. But not to worry; my anti-virus software quarantined it right away."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Yeah, but you know how those things are. You could still be contagious. I'll keep my distance, just to be safe."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That is a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, "}},{"left":{"char":"human","thought":true,"text":"Uh-oh... did the virus make him freeze up?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, "}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"really, really, really, really dumb thing to say."}}]},{"title":"Check mate","date":"28 July 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"So, R, you must be pretty good at chess, right?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That's an offensive assumption, you know."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"It is? How so?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You're stereotyping robots. Deep Blue was good at chess, so I must be too, right? But I wasn't built for chess-playing."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Oh... so you mean I might have a chance against you?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I didn't say that."}}]},{"title":"Vroom vroom","date":"27 July 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"R, are you always connected to the internet?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Goodness, no! Ninety percent of what's on there concerns humans doing things I'd rather not think about."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I do have a large personal database stored in memory, though. Was there something you wanted to look up?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"No, that's okay. I was just wondering how my eBay auction was going. I'm trying to buy a motorcycle."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh, that. I already outbid you by $500."}}]},{"title":"Spreadsheets","date":"25 July 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"R! Are you the one who sorted and analyzed all my spreadsheets?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Sure am!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"I thought you said you weren't trying to steal my job. That was a day's worth of work! What will my boss say when I tell him?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Why would you tell your boss? Let him think you're still working on it and we can go shoot pool all day."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","facing_out":true,"text":"I'll get my coat."},"right":{"char":"robot","pose":"handsup","text":"I get to break!"}}]},{"title":"Margin of error","date":"24 July 2013","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I've got a surprise for you, H!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Oh yeah? What is it?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Well, I know how you humans worry about the future. So I gathered some data on your vital stats and lifestyle, and I calculated how much longer you have to live!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Uh... you did?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Yup! According to my estimate, you've got another 10 years, 5 months, 13 days, 3 hours, and 8 minutes."}},{"left":{"char":"human","pose":"frowning","text":"10 years... that's... wow."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"But it's just an estimate, right?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh yes, just an estimate."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Heh, whew—"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"There's a margin of error of about 74 seconds."}}]},{"title":"Robot stuff","date":"19 July 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Want to go to the movies?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Robots aren't allowed into movie theaters. We're basically giant recording devices."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Oh... well then what do you do for fun?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh, you know, robot stuff... calculate complex math equations in my head... transform into a car and go for a drive...."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"...I can never tell when you're screwing with me."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Oh yeah, screwing with you, that's another big one."}}]},{"title":"Last modified date","date":"17 July 2013","news":"Mostly showing off some new features here.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","facing_out":true,"thought":true,"text":"Where's H? He told me to meet him here...."},"right":{}},{"left":{"char":"robot","facing_out":true,"text":""},"right":{"char":"human","pose":"handsup","text":"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Er... I'm incapable of experiencing surprise, and I have no defined birthday."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"Anybody ever tell you you're a hard guy to throw a party for?"}}]},{"title":"Electric sheep","date":"07 July 2013","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"R, do you ever dream?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I think so. I mean, sometimes things happen when I'm in standby mode that nobody else seems to remember later."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"For example... you remember last month when robots burned Minneapolis to the ground and then built a mile-high mountain of human skulls over the ashes?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Uh... no."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Yeah, that one was a dream then."}}]},{"title":"30 RUN","date":"06 July 2013","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Okay, R, I've got a joke for you. 10 and GOTO 10 are in a boat. 10 falls out. Who's left?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"GOTO 10."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Uh...."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Would this joke work better if I were the one telling it?"}}]},{"title":"Doomsday scenario","date":"03 July 2013","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"You know, a friend of mine says that robots are going to steal all of humans' jobs away from them."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"Perish the thought!"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Well, it's a relief to hear you say—"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I mean, I was told that the end goal was to get you to do all of our work."}}]},{"title":"Not sure what year this takes place in","date":"02 July 2013","news":"I'm just going to assume that the reason you're not laughing is because you're not familiar with the Travelling Salesman Problem.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I got a new job selling encyclopedias door-to-door. Can you help me pick out a suit and tie that will impress my customers?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"Well... I don't have access to any data on the fashion preferences of human encyclopedia purchasers."},"right":{"char":"human","text":"So what are you saying?"}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"I don't think I can give you much help with your travelling salesman problem."},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}}]},{"title":"OS wars","date":"28 June 2013","news":"I hope you like this one because they're probably not getting any funnier.","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey R, what operating system do you run?"},"right":{"char":"robot","extra_classes":"mechanical_voice","text":"RobOS v11.20.3.1377891 64 kb free"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Oh, \"RobOS\", I get it. 'Cause it sounds like \"robot\"."},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"No, that's not why."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Oh... then is \"Rob\" short for the name of the person who programmed it?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"That's right."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"His full name is \"Robintosh\"."}}]},{"title":"It happens when they change something","date":"2002","panels":[{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"H, do you ever wonder if maybe we're just brains in jars, and our world could be blinked out of existence by a hardware failure?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":""}},{"extra_classes":"dashed","left":{"char":"robot","text":""},"right":{"char":"human","text":"D--'t b- si--y."}},{"left":{"char":"robot","text":"What?"},"right":{"char":"human","text":"I said don't be silly."}}]},{"title":"This comic is false","date":"2002","news":"","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"R, guess what?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"What?"}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"\"This sentence is false!\""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":""}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":""},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"My mom warned me about humans like you."}}]},{"title":"I thought he was the son of Abraham","date":"15 June 2001","news":"This is not the first time I've written this strip, and it might not be the last. And yes, the Fig Newtons reference was dated even then.","extra_classes":"taller","panels":[{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Hey, R. Why the long face?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I just finished reading I, Robot. It saddens me to think that such a brilliant author as Isaac Asimov is no longer with us."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"Isaac Asimov, huh? Wasn't he the guy who discovered gravity?"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"You're thinking of Isaac Newton."}},{"left":{"char":"human","text":"I thought he was the guy who made those cookies. Oh, wait—it's not a cookie, it's fruit and cake!"},"right":{"char":"robot","text":"I think I'm about to break the First Law of Robotics."}}]}]